the sun came out.
And I stopped and marveled at it.
In a completely WTF kind of way.
Like it was getting in the way of me being mad, and feeling sorry for myself, and really, WTF do I have to see something so amazingly beautiful today? Really. God, Goddess, Budda, Mohammed, WTF?
I don't want to see something nice.
I want to wallow in self pity because I have left everything behind and I am lonely and sad.
And then the Sun Came Out.
That is what it does here. Just like NH. All the colors are there. You know the sun is rising, but when you have mountains and mesas hiding it as it rises, it all of a sudden pops out in full glory and makes you smile whether you want to or not.
At that point, you really do have to smile and say 'Fuck Yeah! Today is going to rock' and get on with it.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
not only my birthday week...
It is also the week that my Mom died.
August 15, 2001
Three weeks before 9/11.
Crazy emotions.
My Step Mother in the Pentagon.
My sister-in-law in the Pentagon
Me going for a run and my sisters yelling at me on my answering machine to pick up the phone...for both situations...
My husband freaking out because we had so much family involved.
Me. Alone.
And all I can think on that day is
'Thank goodness they have my Mom
to welcome them.'
I cannot think of a better welcome to Heaven.
August 15, 2001
Three weeks before 9/11.
Crazy emotions.
My Step Mother in the Pentagon.
My sister-in-law in the Pentagon
Me going for a run and my sisters yelling at me on my answering machine to pick up the phone...for both situations...
My husband freaking out because we had so much family involved.
Me. Alone.
And all I can think on that day is
'Thank goodness they have my Mom
to welcome them.'
I cannot think of a better welcome to Heaven.
So, it was my Birthday
I kind of expected every one in my family to call me and wish me Happy Birthday.
And my sister wished me a happy drunken birthday.
And my sweet Dad called.
There is such a big part of me that wishes my family would understand how much it took to sell everything and move out here.
There is such a big part of me that wishes that my family understood me.
I guess that is not happening any time soon.
And my sister wished me a happy drunken birthday.
And my sweet Dad called.
There is such a big part of me that wishes my family would understand how much it took to sell everything and move out here.
There is such a big part of me that wishes that my family understood me.
I guess that is not happening any time soon.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Crazy Missing My Husband & Wondering Why The F*** I am so Lonely
#1 Missing my husband like crazy.
#2 When he calls me 100 times I want to kill him.
#3 Really
#4 Trying to figure out my loneliness here. I was really good at it in NH.
#5 This is the 1st time that Mike has been as crazy lonely as I am.
#6 I don't know how to handle it
#7 At least I get to ride my bike.
#8 Are we too old to jump into each others arms?
#9 I didn't know that I was so lonely
#10 I didn't know Mike was so lonely
We will figure this all out. That is one thing that I know for sure.
#2 When he calls me 100 times I want to kill him.
#3 Really
#4 Trying to figure out my loneliness here. I was really good at it in NH.
#5 This is the 1st time that Mike has been as crazy lonely as I am.
#6 I don't know how to handle it
#7 At least I get to ride my bike.
#8 Are we too old to jump into each others arms?
#9 I didn't know that I was so lonely
#10 I didn't know Mike was so lonely
We will figure this all out. That is one thing that I know for sure.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
So many things that I miss that I did not expect to miss
I miss summer.
There is nothing more beautiful than Summer in the North Country.
A real summer with fireflies
And everything being so amazingly green.
Everyone actually out & about, walking on Main Street and talking to each other
Swimming. Real honest to goodness swimming in a lake.
My garden. Weeding every morning with my first cup of coffee.
Summer is the off season here.
Eventually, I will wrap my brain around it, but not this year. I am still in North Country mode and summer will remain my most favorite season of the year.
Mike is in Kansas...which we are both hating...but he is watching stars shooting all over the sky.
For my birthday this year, that is what I want to do to...watch shooting stars.
Thompson Wash? Maybe Zeb's coyote is still there waiting for hand outs.
There is nothing more beautiful than Summer in the North Country.
A real summer with fireflies
And everything being so amazingly green.
Everyone actually out & about, walking on Main Street and talking to each other
Swimming. Real honest to goodness swimming in a lake.
My garden. Weeding every morning with my first cup of coffee.
Summer is the off season here.
Eventually, I will wrap my brain around it, but not this year. I am still in North Country mode and summer will remain my most favorite season of the year.
Mike is in Kansas...which we are both hating...but he is watching stars shooting all over the sky.
For my birthday this year, that is what I want to do to...watch shooting stars.
Thompson Wash? Maybe Zeb's coyote is still there waiting for hand outs.
Monday, July 6, 2015
I am in the Best Place
So...we are settling in.
Our apartment is small, but ridiculously charming. Our neighbors are great. I love that we are so close to Down Town. I can walk and bike everywhere that I need to be. I can feel my cells re-arranging themselves into my perfect self.
And so in my safe place, I am watching the original 'Grey Gardens' documentary.
It reminds me of my crazy teen age hood. These are the kind of people that my mother drew to her, the life that she lived in her mind...one of imagined privilege & superiority...while I was trying to forge her signature so that we could qualify for the free lunch program and food stamps.
Watching this documentary is making me uncomfortable. I want to go in and clean everything up, make everything right...which is pretty much how I spent my teens, 20's & 30's...trying to make everything appear to be okay.
But one thing I love about this documentary is how elegantly it is filmed, how beautiful these women are, how fragile they are in their reality...& how bohemian and free they are...
This crazy bohemian spirit is what I remember about my Mom. When she was up, I knew that I was in the presence of greatness & splendor. She could turn a simple daisy into magic.( I still believe that the August meteor showers are specifically for me) If a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken showed up, we knew that we were in for an adventure.
As my cells realign themselves into my perfect me, I am going to remember where I came from but I am also going to always embrace the special magic that appeared every once in awhile...and I am always going to look for the magic.
Our apartment is small, but ridiculously charming. Our neighbors are great. I love that we are so close to Down Town. I can walk and bike everywhere that I need to be. I can feel my cells re-arranging themselves into my perfect self.
And so in my safe place, I am watching the original 'Grey Gardens' documentary.
It reminds me of my crazy teen age hood. These are the kind of people that my mother drew to her, the life that she lived in her mind...one of imagined privilege & superiority...while I was trying to forge her signature so that we could qualify for the free lunch program and food stamps.
Watching this documentary is making me uncomfortable. I want to go in and clean everything up, make everything right...which is pretty much how I spent my teens, 20's & 30's...trying to make everything appear to be okay.
But one thing I love about this documentary is how elegantly it is filmed, how beautiful these women are, how fragile they are in their reality...& how bohemian and free they are...
This crazy bohemian spirit is what I remember about my Mom. When she was up, I knew that I was in the presence of greatness & splendor. She could turn a simple daisy into magic.( I still believe that the August meteor showers are specifically for me) If a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken showed up, we knew that we were in for an adventure.
As my cells realign themselves into my perfect me, I am going to remember where I came from but I am also going to always embrace the special magic that appeared every once in awhile...and I am always going to look for the magic.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
the never ending move
Our UHaul Pod arrived yesterday.
Three trips with two cars emptied it.
And now, in our 600 sq ft apartment, we are playing 'Tetris Totes'.
It's crazy.
But I love seeing my Morris chair here. I love that the quilt my Mom made for me (old school, completely hand stitched) is here. My rugs look fabulous on the refinished floors. My Gram's cedar chest belongs at the foot of my bed & it made me really happy to look inside and see Rabbit (I did not give my stuffed pets crazy names) & all of the ridiculous doll clothes that I sewed for my favorite Doll (yes. Her name was Doll).
And I love that what we left behind will fill my son's home.
And as organized as we thought we were? We forgot the silver, inadvertantly stole Mike's brother's toaster (we thought it was ours), brought too many plates (entirely me...I am always ready for an impromptu dinner party), packed too many linens (me again-lawn party), and brought too many clothes, which I cannot figure out since Mike & I wear the same 5 pieces of clothing (we each have our own 5. we do not share) over and over again.
I have no idea of where we will go from here.
I get lost just walking around the block. (I am not making that up. It drives Mike CRAZY!)
But really, I am kind of happy getting lost.
And I love that my really special pieces (once I get them organized) will welcome me home.
Three trips with two cars emptied it.
And now, in our 600 sq ft apartment, we are playing 'Tetris Totes'.
It's crazy.
But I love seeing my Morris chair here. I love that the quilt my Mom made for me (old school, completely hand stitched) is here. My rugs look fabulous on the refinished floors. My Gram's cedar chest belongs at the foot of my bed & it made me really happy to look inside and see Rabbit (I did not give my stuffed pets crazy names) & all of the ridiculous doll clothes that I sewed for my favorite Doll (yes. Her name was Doll).
And I love that what we left behind will fill my son's home.
And as organized as we thought we were? We forgot the silver, inadvertantly stole Mike's brother's toaster (we thought it was ours), brought too many plates (entirely me...I am always ready for an impromptu dinner party), packed too many linens (me again-lawn party), and brought too many clothes, which I cannot figure out since Mike & I wear the same 5 pieces of clothing (we each have our own 5. we do not share) over and over again.
I have no idea of where we will go from here.
I get lost just walking around the block. (I am not making that up. It drives Mike CRAZY!)
But really, I am kind of happy getting lost.
And I love that my really special pieces (once I get them organized) will welcome me home.
Friday, June 5, 2015
Back in New England but thankfully on our way out.
Well, we both walked out of the airport in Manchester and immediately slumped.
But there was so much to do and reorganize (Mike's voice)
Not (my voice)
as an aside, I do know there was a lot to reorganize, but there was absolutely no reason to re-open & re-pack eveything that I had spent 2 months packing and labeling so that we would not have to re-pack and re-label everything.
Yup. A little bit of fighting going on.
And a fabulous week of family, while we were bickering. Pretty sure that everyone thinks that this move has undone us & we will be divorced by the end of the year.
We don't talk about the emotions of leaving the people dearest to us. The family that has supported us above and beyond the call of duty. The people that we love the most. The people that have been our community and support for the last 30 years.
So we pick at each other a little bit when what we really want to do is cry like babies at all we are leaving behind, for the fabulous people that we will not get to see on a daily basis, for the impromptu little get togethers with our fabulous family that we built in the North Country.
I have faith that I can find the same sort of community in Grand Junction.
But I know that I am always going to be thinking 'Jane would love this', 'Beth would be so inspired by this', 'I wish Heidi was here with me'.
My North Country family, the one that I created (the one that found me) is my most important family.
And I cannot wait to introduce them to the new family that I find out here.
Cheers.
But there was so much to do and reorganize (Mike's voice)
Not (my voice)
as an aside, I do know there was a lot to reorganize, but there was absolutely no reason to re-open & re-pack eveything that I had spent 2 months packing and labeling so that we would not have to re-pack and re-label everything.
Yup. A little bit of fighting going on.
And a fabulous week of family, while we were bickering. Pretty sure that everyone thinks that this move has undone us & we will be divorced by the end of the year.
We don't talk about the emotions of leaving the people dearest to us. The family that has supported us above and beyond the call of duty. The people that we love the most. The people that have been our community and support for the last 30 years.
So we pick at each other a little bit when what we really want to do is cry like babies at all we are leaving behind, for the fabulous people that we will not get to see on a daily basis, for the impromptu little get togethers with our fabulous family that we built in the North Country.
I have faith that I can find the same sort of community in Grand Junction.
But I know that I am always going to be thinking 'Jane would love this', 'Beth would be so inspired by this', 'I wish Heidi was here with me'.
My North Country family, the one that I created (the one that found me) is my most important family.
And I cannot wait to introduce them to the new family that I find out here.
Cheers.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Trains...
I love trains.
With everything that we have sold and downsized and given up, I still have my father's lionel train set.
There is something so safe about trains. They have a schedule. They have a conductor. They have a track.
If it is your first time on a train, you are seeing everything new. If you are on the train every day, you just become lulled into a meditative half slumber, recognizing the landscape and feeling a certain safety.
As a little girl, I always loved hearing the train whistles in the middle of the night. My heart would thump and race; I would make up stories about the people traveling out of town on those trains. I wanted so badly to be on one of those trains.
And now I live in Grand Junction.
I hear those whistles every night.
And I absolutely love them.
Because they have brought me home.
PS (They drive Mike crazy but I still love them)
With everything that we have sold and downsized and given up, I still have my father's lionel train set.
There is something so safe about trains. They have a schedule. They have a conductor. They have a track.
If it is your first time on a train, you are seeing everything new. If you are on the train every day, you just become lulled into a meditative half slumber, recognizing the landscape and feeling a certain safety.
As a little girl, I always loved hearing the train whistles in the middle of the night. My heart would thump and race; I would make up stories about the people traveling out of town on those trains. I wanted so badly to be on one of those trains.
And now I live in Grand Junction.
I hear those whistles every night.
And I absolutely love them.
Because they have brought me home.
PS (They drive Mike crazy but I still love them)
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Lots of good juju happening
Honestly, we picked Grand Junction on a whim.
We knew what we wanted. High Desert. Sunshine. Active people. An artistic community. Good neighborhoods. Walking and biking. Great access to wilderness areas...
Holy Shit! We hit the jackpot.
We have only been here for 2 days and I am in love.
This is a small navigable city. There are bike lanes every where. (yay)
We found a magical apartment.
And it is Colorado's wine country?
Win Win Win
Now to go back East, organize the crap we have left...even better juju going on...Ian & Aly can probably use half of what we have left in their new home (fingers crossed...inspection was today) & then return and find work. (Sorry Ashley. I know that was a run on sentence)
Yes. This was meant to happen.
Did I mention that our block was yarn bombed?
And we have already had 2 neighbors welcome us to the neighborhood?
Still doing the happy dance.
We knew what we wanted. High Desert. Sunshine. Active people. An artistic community. Good neighborhoods. Walking and biking. Great access to wilderness areas...
Holy Shit! We hit the jackpot.
We have only been here for 2 days and I am in love.
This is a small navigable city. There are bike lanes every where. (yay)
We found a magical apartment.
And it is Colorado's wine country?
Win Win Win
Now to go back East, organize the crap we have left...even better juju going on...Ian & Aly can probably use half of what we have left in their new home (fingers crossed...inspection was today) & then return and find work. (Sorry Ashley. I know that was a run on sentence)
Yes. This was meant to happen.
Did I mention that our block was yarn bombed?
And we have already had 2 neighbors welcome us to the neighborhood?
Still doing the happy dance.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Letting the magic happen
Well, we are approaching the end of our journey.
Tonight we are camped out in Canyonlands BLM recreation site outside of Moab.
We have been so lucky on this trip. Since we fled the snow in VA and decided to go as south as possible as quickly as possible, we have been blessed with sights that no one ever gets to see.
We have seen every single desert in full bloom.
Yes.
Every single one.
It has been amazing.
I have reunited with people that I never thought I would see again, and the conversations picked up from 30 plus years ago as if barely a blip had gone by.
I have met incredible artists that have welcomed me into their world. I knew I would fit in out here.
I am anxious and trying to figure out what will happen when we get to Grand Junction. My old controlling side is kicking in. I need to just let go and let the magic happen.
Because that is what this trip has been about.
Letting the magic happen.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Reunions
What a joy it has been to reconnect with friends from the past and just pick up where we left off, as if only 5 minutes had passed since we last spoke instead of 2, 20 or 30 plus years.
Corrine & Bill sent us off with style...peeling out of the parking lot as though we were teenagers and filling our cooler with enough moonshine to violate every state law in the lower 48. Mike & I will laugh about that forever.
My cousin Jon introduced us to fabulous Mexican food in Phoenix and turned me on to the best hiking shoe ever. (inov8...in case you are interested) So great to see him without a funeral being involved.
Tim & Cindy made us the most brilliant Thai beef salad, played faulous music and welcomed us with open arms at the last minute. They also helped relieve us of the above mentioned moonshine.
Polaris & Tavin...wow. Wine tasting and a gourmet home cooked meal? I cannot wait to pay it back. The two of you are brilliant. If we have an actual house, you can bring a stray to drop off.
We are being a bit thwarted by snow at the tail end of our journey...we had a few more reunions planned in Boulder and Nederland...but we are flexible and we will be in Colorado, so the reunions will keep on happening.
For that I am forever grateful.
Corrine & Bill sent us off with style...peeling out of the parking lot as though we were teenagers and filling our cooler with enough moonshine to violate every state law in the lower 48. Mike & I will laugh about that forever.
My cousin Jon introduced us to fabulous Mexican food in Phoenix and turned me on to the best hiking shoe ever. (inov8...in case you are interested) So great to see him without a funeral being involved.
Tim & Cindy made us the most brilliant Thai beef salad, played faulous music and welcomed us with open arms at the last minute. They also helped relieve us of the above mentioned moonshine.
Polaris & Tavin...wow. Wine tasting and a gourmet home cooked meal? I cannot wait to pay it back. The two of you are brilliant. If we have an actual house, you can bring a stray to drop off.
We are being a bit thwarted by snow at the tail end of our journey...we had a few more reunions planned in Boulder and Nederland...but we are flexible and we will be in Colorado, so the reunions will keep on happening.
For that I am forever grateful.
Friday, May 1, 2015
Fallon, NV
I am terrified to post anything.
I am on the trip of a lifetime and I cannot describe it.
All I want to do right now is paint.
I am on the trip of a lifetime and I cannot describe it.
All I want to do right now is paint.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Wow. Wow & Wow.
I want to paint it. I want to sculpt it.
I am speechless.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Huge WOW
Big Bend was so amazing. I am still in overload from all of the colors.
It was a definite sensory overload.
Even thinking about it, I can feel every cell freaking out.
After a long day driving...spending the night in Las Cruces.
We actually found a rock hounding sight with a winery...yup. Life begins now.
It was a definite sensory overload.
Even thinking about it, I can feel every cell freaking out.
After a long day driving...spending the night in Las Cruces.
We actually found a rock hounding sight with a winery...yup. Life begins now.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
We have finally left Louisiana
and it was hard. Very, very hard.
I know that it has been hard on us because we are both sniping at each other. We only do that when our emotions are running high and we are trying to protect each other from their force.
One thing that I can say for sure...
I am so happy that we were given the gift of these last 3 weeks with my fabulous Mother-in-law. I have just adored spending time without a 'Family Event' (crazy time) going on, to just be. She is drop dead amazing. The only other person that I have ever been around that is so subversively funny is my husband (her son).
So we are in Austin...& sniping at each other...(but we had a fabulous dinner of tapas at Malaga) & then we got back to our motel room & Kay was calling asking where the checks were & my dad was calling to find our where we were & if we were ok & the police were in the parking lot around our car (NH plates) & we realized that we are ok...really, really ok.
I know that it has been hard on us because we are both sniping at each other. We only do that when our emotions are running high and we are trying to protect each other from their force.
One thing that I can say for sure...
I am so happy that we were given the gift of these last 3 weeks with my fabulous Mother-in-law. I have just adored spending time without a 'Family Event' (crazy time) going on, to just be. She is drop dead amazing. The only other person that I have ever been around that is so subversively funny is my husband (her son).
So we are in Austin...& sniping at each other...(but we had a fabulous dinner of tapas at Malaga) & then we got back to our motel room & Kay was calling asking where the checks were & my dad was calling to find our where we were & if we were ok & the police were in the parking lot around our car (NH plates) & we realized that we are ok...really, really ok.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Easter...I suck
so we are with family.
It's Easter.
This is a really big deal.
I don't get it but I am trying.
It's Easter.
This is a really big deal.
I don't get it but I am trying.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Pretty much in love with Louisiana
But that has a lot to do with family. If family was the deciding factor of where we would live, we would be here, or in Arkansas or Mississippi.
But...
A big huge but...
No mountains. No climbing. No hiking. No biking...unless you are 20 something.
We really need a community that is artsy, active, fun to be around...drinks wine & margaritas after cycling...enjoys a simple and delicious meal...
Also I need a friend to go yard saleing with...
Not asking for too much to ask for.
Leah? Diane? We need a compound & a golf cart.
And cigars.
But...
A big huge but...
No mountains. No climbing. No hiking. No biking...unless you are 20 something.
We really need a community that is artsy, active, fun to be around...drinks wine & margaritas after cycling...enjoys a simple and delicious meal...
Also I need a friend to go yard saleing with...
Not asking for too much to ask for.
Leah? Diane? We need a compound & a golf cart.
And cigars.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
I am so overwhelmed...
Really.
Mike & I have had some major blow outs while traveling...
Our nice hike around Bear Lake at Black River turned into a knock down drag out.
I was ready to find a way back to NH and figure out a way to meet Mike in CO and see if we still liked each other.
& then we got to Petal, Mississippi.
Yes. Petal.
The most gorgeous & friendly place on the entire planet.
We were only going to spend a day and a half.
We stayed for four days with the most fabulous people ever.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
And then you can never let them go.
Cheers to Vance, Leah & Nate.
We will hold you in our hearts forever.
You are now family (for good or bad)
& can't wait for a kick ass reunion in CO when we finally get settled.
Leah is bringing the cigars!
Mike & I have had some major blow outs while traveling...
Our nice hike around Bear Lake at Black River turned into a knock down drag out.
I was ready to find a way back to NH and figure out a way to meet Mike in CO and see if we still liked each other.
& then we got to Petal, Mississippi.
Yes. Petal.
The most gorgeous & friendly place on the entire planet.
We were only going to spend a day and a half.
We stayed for four days with the most fabulous people ever.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
And then you can never let them go.
Cheers to Vance, Leah & Nate.
We will hold you in our hearts forever.
You are now family (for good or bad)
& can't wait for a kick ass reunion in CO when we finally get settled.
Leah is bringing the cigars!
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