So just when I couldn't get out of my own way

the sun came out.
And I stopped and marveled at it.
In a completely WTF kind of way.
Like it was getting in the way of me being mad, and feeling sorry for myself, and really, WTF do I have to see something so amazingly beautiful today? Really. God, Goddess, Budda, Mohammed, WTF?
I don't want to see something nice.
I want to wallow in self pity because I have left everything behind and I am lonely and sad.

And then the Sun Came Out.

That is what it does here. Just like NH. All the colors are there. You know the sun is rising, but when you have mountains and mesas hiding it as it rises, it all of a sudden pops out in full glory and makes you smile whether you want to or not.

At that point, you really do have to smile and say 'Fuck Yeah! Today is going to rock' and get on with it.

not only my birthday week...

It is also the week that my Mom died.
August 15, 2001
Three weeks before 9/11.
Crazy emotions.
My Step Mother in the Pentagon.
My sister-in-law in the Pentagon
Me going for a run and my sisters yelling at me on my answering machine to pick up the phone...for both situations...
My husband freaking out because we had so much family involved.
Me. Alone.

And all I can think on that day is
'Thank goodness they have my Mom
to welcome them.'
I cannot think of a better welcome to Heaven.

So, it was my Birthday

I kind of expected every one in my family to call me and wish me Happy Birthday.

And my sister wished me a happy drunken birthday.
And my sweet Dad called.

There is such a big part of me that wishes my family would understand how much it took to sell everything and move out here.

There is such a big part of me that wishes that my family understood me.

I guess that is not happening any time soon.

Crazy Missing My Husband & Wondering Why The F*** I am so Lonely

#1 Missing my husband like crazy.
#2 When he calls me 100 times I want to kill him.
#3 Really
#4 Trying to figure out my loneliness here. I was really good at it in NH.
#5 This is the 1st time that Mike has been as crazy lonely as I am.
#6 I don't know how to handle it
#7 At least I get to ride my bike.
#8 Are we too old to jump into each others arms?
#9 I didn't know that I was so lonely
#10 I didn't know Mike was so lonely

We will figure this all out. That is one thing that I know for sure.

So many things that I miss that I did not expect to miss

I miss summer.
There is nothing more beautiful than Summer in the North Country.
A real summer with fireflies
And everything being so amazingly green.
Everyone actually out & about, walking on Main Street and talking to each other
Swimming. Real honest to goodness swimming in a lake.
My garden. Weeding every morning with my first cup of coffee.

Summer is the off season here.
Eventually, I will wrap my brain around it, but not this year. I am still in North Country mode and summer will remain my most favorite season of the year.

Mike is in Kansas...which we are both hating...but he is watching stars shooting all over the sky.
For my birthday this year, that is what I want to do to...watch shooting stars.

Thompson Wash? Maybe Zeb's coyote is still there waiting for hand outs.

I am in the Best Place

So...we are settling in.

Our apartment is small, but ridiculously charming. Our neighbors are great. I love that we are so close to Down Town. I can walk and bike everywhere that I need to be. I can feel my cells re-arranging themselves into my perfect self.

And so in my safe place, I am watching the original 'Grey Gardens' documentary.

It reminds me of my crazy teen age hood. These are the kind of people that my mother drew to her, the life that she lived in her mind...one of imagined privilege & superiority...while  I was trying to forge her signature so that we could qualify for the free lunch program and food stamps.

Watching this documentary is making me uncomfortable. I want to go in and clean everything up, make everything right...which is pretty much how I spent my  teens, 20's & 30's...trying to make everything appear to be okay.

But one thing I love about this documentary is how elegantly it is filmed, how beautiful these women are, how fragile they are in their reality...& how bohemian and free they are...

This crazy bohemian spirit is what I remember about my Mom. When she was up, I knew that I was in the presence of greatness & splendor. She could turn a simple daisy into magic.( I still believe that the August meteor showers are specifically for me) If a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken  showed up, we knew that we were in for an adventure.

As my cells realign themselves into my perfect me, I am going to remember where I came from but I am also going to always embrace the special magic that appeared every once in awhile...and I am always going to look for the magic.

the never ending move

Our UHaul Pod arrived yesterday.
Three trips with two cars emptied it.

And now, in our 600 sq ft apartment, we are playing 'Tetris Totes'.

It's crazy.

But I love seeing my Morris chair here. I love that the quilt my Mom made for me (old school, completely hand stitched) is here. My rugs look fabulous on the refinished floors. My Gram's cedar chest belongs at the foot of my bed & it made me really happy to look inside and see Rabbit (I did not give my stuffed pets crazy names) & all of the ridiculous doll clothes that I sewed for my favorite Doll (yes. Her name was Doll).

And I love that what we left behind will fill my son's home.

And as organized as we thought we were? We forgot the silver, inadvertantly stole Mike's brother's toaster (we thought it was ours), brought too many plates (entirely me...I am always ready for an impromptu dinner party), packed too many linens (me again-lawn party), and brought too many clothes, which I cannot figure out since Mike & I wear the same 5 pieces of clothing (we each have our own 5. we do not share) over and over again.

I have no idea of where we will go from here.
I get lost just walking around the block. (I am not making that up. It drives Mike CRAZY!)
But really, I am kind of happy getting lost.

And I love that my really special pieces (once I get them organized) will welcome me home.