So just when I couldn't get out of my own way

the sun came out.
And I stopped and marveled at it.
In a completely WTF kind of way.
Like it was getting in the way of me being mad, and feeling sorry for myself, and really, WTF do I have to see something so amazingly beautiful today? Really. God, Goddess, Budda, Mohammed, WTF?
I don't want to see something nice.
I want to wallow in self pity because I have left everything behind and I am lonely and sad.

And then the Sun Came Out.

That is what it does here. Just like NH. All the colors are there. You know the sun is rising, but when you have mountains and mesas hiding it as it rises, it all of a sudden pops out in full glory and makes you smile whether you want to or not.

At that point, you really do have to smile and say 'Fuck Yeah! Today is going to rock' and get on with it.

not only my birthday week...

It is also the week that my Mom died.
August 15, 2001
Three weeks before 9/11.
Crazy emotions.
My Step Mother in the Pentagon.
My sister-in-law in the Pentagon
Me going for a run and my sisters yelling at me on my answering machine to pick up the phone...for both situations...
My husband freaking out because we had so much family involved.
Me. Alone.

And all I can think on that day is
'Thank goodness they have my Mom
to welcome them.'
I cannot think of a better welcome to Heaven.

So, it was my Birthday

I kind of expected every one in my family to call me and wish me Happy Birthday.

And my sister wished me a happy drunken birthday.
And my sweet Dad called.

There is such a big part of me that wishes my family would understand how much it took to sell everything and move out here.

There is such a big part of me that wishes that my family understood me.

I guess that is not happening any time soon.

Crazy Missing My Husband & Wondering Why The F*** I am so Lonely

#1 Missing my husband like crazy.
#2 When he calls me 100 times I want to kill him.
#3 Really
#4 Trying to figure out my loneliness here. I was really good at it in NH.
#5 This is the 1st time that Mike has been as crazy lonely as I am.
#6 I don't know how to handle it
#7 At least I get to ride my bike.
#8 Are we too old to jump into each others arms?
#9 I didn't know that I was so lonely
#10 I didn't know Mike was so lonely

We will figure this all out. That is one thing that I know for sure.

So many things that I miss that I did not expect to miss

I miss summer.
There is nothing more beautiful than Summer in the North Country.
A real summer with fireflies
And everything being so amazingly green.
Everyone actually out & about, walking on Main Street and talking to each other
Swimming. Real honest to goodness swimming in a lake.
My garden. Weeding every morning with my first cup of coffee.

Summer is the off season here.
Eventually, I will wrap my brain around it, but not this year. I am still in North Country mode and summer will remain my most favorite season of the year.

Mike is in Kansas...which we are both hating...but he is watching stars shooting all over the sky.
For my birthday this year, that is what I want to do to...watch shooting stars.

Thompson Wash? Maybe Zeb's coyote is still there waiting for hand outs.

I am in the Best Place

So...we are settling in.

Our apartment is small, but ridiculously charming. Our neighbors are great. I love that we are so close to Down Town. I can walk and bike everywhere that I need to be. I can feel my cells re-arranging themselves into my perfect self.

And so in my safe place, I am watching the original 'Grey Gardens' documentary.

It reminds me of my crazy teen age hood. These are the kind of people that my mother drew to her, the life that she lived in her mind...one of imagined privilege & superiority...while  I was trying to forge her signature so that we could qualify for the free lunch program and food stamps.

Watching this documentary is making me uncomfortable. I want to go in and clean everything up, make everything right...which is pretty much how I spent my  teens, 20's & 30's...trying to make everything appear to be okay.

But one thing I love about this documentary is how elegantly it is filmed, how beautiful these women are, how fragile they are in their reality...& how bohemian and free they are...

This crazy bohemian spirit is what I remember about my Mom. When she was up, I knew that I was in the presence of greatness & splendor. She could turn a simple daisy into magic.( I still believe that the August meteor showers are specifically for me) If a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken  showed up, we knew that we were in for an adventure.

As my cells realign themselves into my perfect me, I am going to remember where I came from but I am also going to always embrace the special magic that appeared every once in awhile...and I am always going to look for the magic.

the never ending move

Our UHaul Pod arrived yesterday.
Three trips with two cars emptied it.

And now, in our 600 sq ft apartment, we are playing 'Tetris Totes'.

It's crazy.

But I love seeing my Morris chair here. I love that the quilt my Mom made for me (old school, completely hand stitched) is here. My rugs look fabulous on the refinished floors. My Gram's cedar chest belongs at the foot of my bed & it made me really happy to look inside and see Rabbit (I did not give my stuffed pets crazy names) & all of the ridiculous doll clothes that I sewed for my favorite Doll (yes. Her name was Doll).

And I love that what we left behind will fill my son's home.

And as organized as we thought we were? We forgot the silver, inadvertantly stole Mike's brother's toaster (we thought it was ours), brought too many plates (entirely me...I am always ready for an impromptu dinner party), packed too many linens (me again-lawn party), and brought too many clothes, which I cannot figure out since Mike & I wear the same 5 pieces of clothing (we each have our own 5. we do not share) over and over again.

I have no idea of where we will go from here.
I get lost just walking around the block. (I am not making that up. It drives Mike CRAZY!)
But really, I am kind of happy getting lost.

And I love that my really special pieces (once I get them organized) will welcome me home.

Back in New England but thankfully on our way out.

Well, we both walked out of the airport in Manchester and immediately slumped.

But there was so much to do and reorganize (Mike's voice)
Not (my voice)

as an aside, I do know there was a lot to reorganize, but there was absolutely no reason to re-open & re-pack eveything that I had spent 2 months packing and labeling so that we would not have to re-pack and re-label everything.

Yup. A little bit of fighting going on.

And a fabulous week of family, while we were bickering. Pretty sure that everyone thinks that this move has undone us & we will be divorced by the end of the year.

We don't talk about the emotions of leaving the people dearest to us. The family that has supported us above and beyond the call of duty. The people that we love the most. The people that have been our community and support for the last 30 years.

So we pick at each other a little bit when what we really want to do is cry like babies at all we are leaving behind, for the fabulous people that we will not get to see on a daily basis, for the impromptu little get togethers with our fabulous family that we built in the North Country.

I have faith that I can find the same sort of community in Grand Junction.

But I know that I am always going to be thinking 'Jane would love this', 'Beth would be so inspired by this', 'I wish Heidi was here with me'.

My North Country family, the one that I created (the one that found me) is my most important family.
And I cannot wait to introduce them to the new family that I find out here.

Cheers.

Trains...

I love trains.

With everything that we have sold and downsized and given up, I still have my father's lionel train set.

There is something so safe about trains. They have a schedule. They have a conductor. They have a track.

If it is your first time on a train, you are seeing everything new. If you are on the train every day, you just become lulled into a meditative half slumber, recognizing the landscape and feeling a certain safety.

As a little girl, I always loved hearing the train whistles in the middle of the night. My heart would thump and race; I would make up stories about the people traveling out of town on those trains. I wanted so badly to be on one of those trains.

And now I live in Grand Junction.
I hear those whistles every night.
And I absolutely love them.
Because they have brought me home.

PS (They drive Mike crazy but I still love them)

Lots of good juju happening

Honestly, we picked Grand Junction on a whim.

We knew what we wanted. High Desert. Sunshine. Active people. An artistic community. Good neighborhoods. Walking and biking. Great access to wilderness areas...
Holy Shit! We hit the jackpot.

We have only been here for 2 days and I am in love.
This is a small navigable city. There are bike lanes every where. (yay)
We found a magical apartment.
And it is Colorado's wine country?
Win Win Win

Now to go back East, organize the crap we have left...even better juju going on...Ian & Aly can probably use half of what we have left in their new home (fingers crossed...inspection was today) & then return and find work. (Sorry Ashley. I know that was a run on sentence)

Yes. This was meant to happen.
Did I mention that our block was yarn bombed?
And we have already had 2 neighbors welcome us to the neighborhood?

Still doing the happy dance.

Letting the magic happen

Well, we are approaching the end of our journey.

Tonight we are camped out in Canyonlands BLM recreation site outside of Moab.

We have been so lucky on this trip. Since we fled the snow in VA and decided to go as south as possible as quickly as possible, we have been blessed with sights that no one ever gets to see.

We have seen every single desert in full bloom. 

Yes. 

Every single one. 

It has been amazing.

I have reunited with people that I never thought I would see again, and the conversations picked up from 30 plus years ago as if barely a blip had gone by.

I have met incredible artists that have welcomed me into their world. I knew I would fit in out here.

I am anxious and trying to figure out what will happen when we get to Grand Junction. My old controlling side is kicking in. I need to just let go and let the magic happen.

Because that is what this trip has been about.

Letting the magic happen.

Reunions

What a joy it has been to reconnect with friends from the past and just pick up where we left off, as if only 5 minutes had passed since we last spoke instead of 2, 20 or 30 plus years.

Corrine & Bill sent us off with style...peeling out of the parking lot as though we were teenagers and filling our cooler with enough moonshine to violate every state law in the lower 48. Mike & I will laugh about that forever.

My cousin Jon introduced us to fabulous Mexican food in Phoenix and turned me on to the best hiking shoe ever. (inov8...in case you are interested) So great to see him without a funeral being involved.

Tim & Cindy made us the most brilliant Thai beef salad, played faulous music and welcomed us with open arms at the last minute. They also helped relieve us of the above mentioned moonshine.

Polaris & Tavin...wow. Wine tasting and a gourmet home cooked meal? I cannot wait to pay it back. The two of you are brilliant. If we have an actual house, you can bring a stray to drop off.

We are being a bit thwarted by snow at the tail end of our journey...we had a few more reunions planned in Boulder and Nederland...but we are flexible and we will be in Colorado, so the reunions will keep on happening.

For that I am forever grateful.

Fallon, NV

I am terrified to post anything.
I am on the trip of a lifetime and I cannot describe it.
All I want to do right now is paint.

Wow. Wow & Wow.

This is all so amazing to me. Every where I go out here, I see wonderful colors, amazing forms...
I want to paint it. I want to sculpt it.
I am speechless.

Silver City is my Plan B

I am finding my tribe.
This is brilliant.

Huge WOW

Big Bend was so amazing. I am still in overload from all of the colors.
It was a definite sensory overload.
Even thinking about it, I can feel every cell freaking out.

After a long day driving...spending the night in Las Cruces.

We actually found a rock hounding sight with a winery...yup. Life begins now.

We have finally left Louisiana

and it was hard. Very, very hard.

I know that it has been hard on us because we are both sniping at each other. We only do that when our emotions are running high and we are trying to protect each other from their force.

One thing that I can say for sure...
I am so happy that we were given the gift of these last 3 weeks with my fabulous Mother-in-law. I have just adored spending time without a 'Family Event' (crazy time) going on, to just be. She is drop dead amazing. The only other person that I have ever been around that is so subversively funny is my husband (her son).

So we are in Austin...& sniping at each other...(but we had a fabulous dinner of tapas at Malaga) & then we got back to our motel room & Kay was calling asking where the checks were & my dad was calling to find our where we were & if we were ok & the police were in the parking lot around our car (NH plates) & we realized that we are ok...really, really ok.

Easter...I suck

so we are with family.
It's Easter.
This is a really big deal.
I don't get  it  but I am trying.

Pretty much in love with Louisiana

But that has a lot to do with family. If family was the deciding factor of where we would live, we would be here, or in Arkansas or Mississippi.

But...
A big huge but...
No mountains. No climbing. No hiking. No biking...unless you are 20 something.
We really need a community that is artsy, active, fun to be around...drinks wine & margaritas after cycling...enjoys a simple and delicious meal...
Also I need a friend to go yard saleing with...
Not asking for too much to ask for.

Leah? Diane? We need a compound & a golf cart.
And cigars.

I am so overwhelmed...

Really.
Mike & I have had some major blow outs while traveling...
Our nice hike around Bear Lake at Black River turned into a knock down drag out.
I was ready to find a way back to NH and figure out a way to meet Mike in CO and see if we still liked each other.
& then we got to Petal, Mississippi.
Yes. Petal.
The most gorgeous & friendly place on the entire planet.
We were only going to spend a day and a half.
We stayed for four days with the most fabulous people ever.

Some people come into your life for a reason.
And then you can never let them go.

Cheers to Vance, Leah & Nate.
We will hold you in our hearts forever.
You are now family (for good or bad)
& can't wait for a kick ass reunion in CO when we finally get settled.

Leah is bringing the cigars!

Still no pictures...

But I am working on it.

Drizzly and gray in DC today but we were determined to get to a few museums.

When my Dad lived in Vienna and the boys were still under my control, we used to visit DC all the time. We visited every free museum that we could possibly find and while we were doing that, the Smithsonian Museum of Native Americans was being built.

With every visit we watched it being built. It was brilliant. Sited with the rising and setting of the sun, with expensive ecosystems installed outside to simulate a natural environment of the Native Americans across the country, on the Mall. But we never got to see it all the way through to it's Grand Opening and always felt a huge sense of loss.

And today was the day.

Aren't you expecting some great story about spirits flying around us and the balance of the earth restored? Well that didn't happen. I can only say that we had a lot more fun watching it be built than we did going through the finished product.

And as always...the Hirschorn Museum and Sculpture Garden never fails to awe and impress. Forever and always my favorite place to spend a day. More on that later as I digest what I experienced.

I finally made it to the National Museum of Women Artists...amazing. The show that is currently there, 'The Many Faces of Mary' is an incredible show featuring all the ways that 'Mary' has been perceived and how the Church felt the need to step in. Truely an incredible compilation of artwork starting in the 1400's and going through present day.

Upstairs, there is a Lee Krasner, an Elaine de Kooning, a Helen Frankenthaler and a Joan Mitchell in the same room (Yes I did an internal happy dance. I have figured out how to not set off alarms.Mike did it all on his own without my help).

And because we are proud friends of the Brattleboro Museum and Art Center...we got in for free...happy dance again.

Sweet hubby really wanted to see the National Geopgraphic Explorer's Museum, so we (meaning me) tiredly trekked over there. All I can say is that they have an incredible gift shop. We elected not to pay $22 for an exhibit on good food or dinosaurs. I know, I know, I know, but not a single one was wearing a tutu or a tiara so how good could it have been?

So, here we are hanging in Virginia and prepping for a snow storm (no glitter this time) but we have stocked up on beer, wine, good cheese & bread and we are gearing up to break out the Scrabble board.

Cheers.

On the road...again

Wow. I cannot believe we are actually traveling.

Connecticut was so much fun.

We had the best WORST dining experience ever at Two Eleven in New Milford. The worst, most misguided service ever. The food was good, but know one got what what they had actually ordered. My sides are still sore from laughing so hard because it really did go from bad to worse to irredeemable to hysterically funny in the blink of an eye. While I will never be able to look at a pat of butter the same way again (the busboy pulled them out of his pocket), I am forever grateful that I was sharing the evening with such good friends that we all know we will be laughing about that evening for years to come.

The snow followed us from New Jersey (hurray! we got to visit with one of the Bubbas) into Pennsylvania (we went to Gettysburg.Much cooler than I thought it would be), Maryland (worst drivers on the east coast) and finally Virginia. (spending time with family)
If it follows us to Florida I might have to hunt down Al Gore and have a little talk about climate change.

Until the new adventure...also I promise to figure out how to add pictures.

the final countdown

We are leaving in 6 days.

Bubba is all crazy with the packing.
Me? Not so much.

I tried to plan some stuff in the Shanendoah area & I have been snowed out.
Ok. I get it.
Pack some leggings, T-shirts & sweaters.

I am going to 'Annie Lamott' this trip.

Hello wing & a prayer.

leaving...really

Wow...after this crazy year of living in limbo...we are leaving. Yes. We are finally leaving.

I don't even know how to process this last year.

There is so much funny stuff... & there is so much sad stuff.
Did I mention that I have no idea about how to even deal with this year?

What I do know is that we have bumped our traveling schedule up by 2 weeks.

Everything that we wanted to do in the Mid-Atlantic is buried under snow.

Bring it on Corinne. You are the first stop.

you have to love a man that sweats glitter

Someday (not today) I will get into the story of me & Mike.
It is not romantic. It is not a story filled with roses & kisses.
It's a story of how somehow we both work. Well. Together.
We don't understand it either.

Our funniest movie is Wes Anderson's 'Moonrise Kingdom'...we only just realized that we die laughing because it is the two of us meeting in 7th grade.
We met late in life. I had 2 fabulous kids by then, but he took them under his wing & made us all braver than we would have been if left to our own devices.

I took him outside his comfort zone when we went out West...You want to do that? Ok...then I want to do this.

This is how we have always worked together. And in this year of limbo, it has been so important to try to keep this going.

And you have to just love someone that takes over your glitter zone.

Sometimes I am just so fucking brilliant. Yes. Today was one of those days.

Living in Limbo

What a crazy year this has been.
And now we are halfway through January of 2015 and a mere 6 weeks away from setting off on our cross country adventure. I know it will go by too quickly as we try to pare things down even more, organize, sort and get everything in order.
Lists and more lists.

I am excited to start out on a new adventure...and also a bit sad to say goodbye to the North Country. I will miss the mountains and the fall colors. I will miss that special light late in April that casts a perfect coral glow before the leaves burst out. And that perfect blue sky in August, when everything is so lush and green.

Blah, blah, blah...enough of that. I have some lists to make.